hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
