I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
