you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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