Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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