This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
