I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
