Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
where are my eyebrows?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
