all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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