.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize