So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
