Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
