If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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