Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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