He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
