i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
