If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
