Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
