your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
