So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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