just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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