So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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