and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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