your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
