Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
