I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
