I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
