Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
