She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
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