bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
