life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When are your genitals available?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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