I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize