That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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