I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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