I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
