You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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