He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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