The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Can I color on your dick again?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
