we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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