dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
