I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize