between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
