sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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