Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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