My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
