I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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