Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
