I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
