Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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