i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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