It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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