He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
