I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
