Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
