he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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