"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Who died my cat blue again?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
