the day after is always just damage control
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I didn't notice because vodka
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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