Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
