Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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