is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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