bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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