I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
